I don't really know how to determine how I am feeling right now.
I know it's hard.
And that life, itself is just hard in general.
I had a dream last night, and I remember it so vividly, it's almost as if it actually happened, although it didn't. I remember loving it, and not wanting it to stop .. for reasons that are too personal to say ..
You know you've hit depression mode when your dreams become better than your reality. There are some times where I just wish my dreams would come to life, and I could live them however I wanted, whenever I wanted. But that can never happen.
A while ago, a friend told me that one day it will get better .. and that for now, I just need to find reasons to smile. I don't really know how to do that.
Here I am, stuck on some island in the middle of the St Lawrence River, bored out of my mind .. and I cannot find one reason to smile.
As I read that , I just realized how snobby that made me seem.
I don't mean to ever sound snobby, and I don't think I particularily am, perhaps I am just complaining too much about my life. But what's to say that's exciting these days, really.
This summer, has been a massive crap hole for me. Other than the fact that I went to Banff, an absolutely gorgeous place where my mother, sister, brother, sister, and half father took an RV for a total two and a half weeks. It was stunning.
And the fact that I went to a hockey camp in Lake Placid .. and got to meet some of the coolest Olympic hockey players (female, of course.)
But the only thing that could really make my summer the best ever .. would be if I could spend some more time with him.
For him to change his mind.
For him to realize the mess of a person he has created.
For him, to want me.
I know that can never happen, but I always have that voice in the back of my head telling me: Nothing is impossible.
I guess, this is something I have to deal with. That every woman has to deal with at one point in their lives, right ? Hopefully it doesn't have to happen again.
I have dealt with a lot of hard things in my life .. and I think my way of dealing and coping is relatively helpful, but then again .. I would always like to know some other ways of how it could be easier for me.
When my parents divorced .. I remember SO much pain. My mother would always be hurting, and there were nights where we would sit at the dinner table, and not say a single word.
"Good food?"
"Mhm."
"Thanks."
"Yep."
We were all in pain. My mom told me , a couple of months ago, that sometimes I would come home, and start bawling. I would be so mad, and upset, I would come and pound my fists into her chest. This is something I don't remember at all .. I think there is a lot of that time era where I repressed memories. I don't remember ever crying out .. I was the one that was there for everyone else, so I never had my time.
I developed anxiety. Where I repressed all of my feelings until I felt sick, and I couldn't fall asleep at night, because I would get so anxious for the next day to come and go.
That lasted a total of three years. Now, I am better .. and only have anxiety on days where they are the most important. I try to live spontaneously .. but I know I am pretty well incapable of such things.
I don't know who to be . Or what to be . Or what to do . Or what's next for me.
It's a mystery.
