it's really just a mystery

I don't really know how to determine how I am feeling right now.

I know it's hard.
And that life, itself is just hard in general.
I had a dream last night, and I remember it so vividly, it's almost as if it actually happened, although it didn't. I remember loving it, and not wanting it to stop .. for reasons that are too personal to say ..
You know you've hit depression mode when your dreams become better than your reality. There are some times where I just wish my dreams would come to life, and I could live them however I wanted, whenever I wanted. But that can never happen.
A while ago, a friend told me that one day it will get better .. and that for now, I just need to find reasons to smile. I don't really know how to do that.
Here I am, stuck on some island in the middle of the St Lawrence River, bored out of my mind .. and I cannot find one reason to smile.
As I read that , I just realized how snobby that made me seem.
I don't mean to ever sound snobby, and I don't think I particularily am, perhaps I am just complaining too much about my life. But what's to say that's exciting these days, really.

This summer, has been a massive crap hole for me. Other than the fact that I went to Banff, an absolutely gorgeous place where my mother, sister, brother, sister, and half father took an RV for a total two and a half weeks. It was stunning.
And the fact that I went to a hockey camp in Lake Placid .. and got to meet some of the coolest Olympic hockey players (female, of course.)
But the only thing that could really make my summer the best ever .. would be if I could spend some more time with him.
For him to change his mind.
For him to realize the mess of a person he has created.
For him, to want me.
I know that can never happen, but I always have that voice in the back of my head telling me: Nothing is impossible.
I guess, this is something I have to deal with. That every woman has to deal with at one point in their lives, right ? Hopefully it doesn't have to happen again.
I have dealt with a lot of hard things in my life .. and I think my way of dealing and coping is relatively helpful, but then again .. I would always like to know some other ways of how it could be easier for me.
When my parents divorced .. I remember SO much pain. My mother would always be hurting, and there were nights where we would sit at the dinner table, and not say a single word.
"Good food?"
"Mhm."
"Thanks."
"Yep."
We were all in pain. My mom told me , a couple of months ago, that sometimes I would come home, and start bawling. I would be so mad, and upset, I would come and pound my fists into her chest. This is something I don't remember at all .. I think there is a lot of that time era where I repressed memories. I don't remember ever crying out .. I was the one that was there for everyone else, so I never had my time.
I developed anxiety. Where I repressed all of my feelings until I felt sick, and I couldn't fall asleep at night, because I would get so anxious for the next day to come and go.
That lasted a total of three years. Now, I am better .. and only have anxiety on days where they are the most important. I try to live spontaneously .. but I know I am pretty well incapable of such things.
I don't know who to be . Or what to be . Or what to do . Or what's next for me.
It's a mystery.

it won't do me any good, it's just a waste of time.

The element of surprise was always something I never understood. There are times in my life where I wait, and wait, and wait, for something to happen, and when it does .. it's as though all along I believed it wasn't going to happen - and it shocks me. My heart immediately starts pounding with anxiety, and excitment for what could come of the situation .. my head wanders through novels worth of thoughts as to the souce, reason why, and possibilities of outcomes .. yet in the end, I am always disappointed.

Perhaps, that's the way life is percieved. By me, specifically.
Maybe I just think too hard, or overanalyze so much, that I sound retarded trying to figure out what my head is actually thinking.
The thing is .. when I am trying to talk .. I try to sound a certain way, to seem a certain way, and I try to be myself at the same time .. and it just mixes things up. Therefore, I am stuck wondering who I really am, when I know who I am all along. It's me, confusing myself.

My brain really only thinks when it comes to people. It's like balancing chemical equations in my head, and if the wrong amount of electrons are put into it, I freak out.
Maybe it's an insecurity ? Maybe .. I am scared to be fully who I am, because I will seem like a wierdo ?
I don't really know. And I don't really know what this message is all about. I just know that I needed to write something so I could lay out whats on my mind.
He inboxed me today. And yesterday. And the day before. Talking about track, and how there are certain people on it to which we think should be gone, etc. I don't think I want to talk to him about my life, or his for that matter. If I did, I feel like I would give him the message that I'm not over him. But the truth is .. I don't need him. I want him. That's the part that I need to get over. I'm not looking for a relationship .. I'm just looking to meet new people, that way I can keep all my options open.
If he decides he wants to talk to me about my life .. I will let him bring up the topic. Otherwise, I'm not talking to him about it. I need to show him that I don't need him. I need him to find out thhat I can be strong on my own, and I am an independent woman.
I want him to be jealous. I want to meet a boy, and show him that I can love someone else like he did for me. I want him to feel the hurt that I have felt .. perhaps he really already has, but the thing is .. he needs to face his life soon enough. He can't keep running away .. and soon enough, that massive door is going to close right in front of his face, he'll sink to the bottom of the hole, and he won't be able to get out. And I won't be able to help him..
He needs to get it in his head now.
And I really do want to help him .. but he won't listen to me. There are some times .. he just stops talking to me for a solid week. And I think maybe that was because he wanted me to get over him .. and stop flirting. So I have taken that into account. And I am not going to lie .. I feel cold. I don't know if I will ever be able to let him in like I did before.
I'm not scared to .. I'm not scared of relationships .. I can face anything I want to. Fighting, drama, all that .. I am scared of. I am too emotional to function properly when I am angry or frustrated, or just in a bad mood all together.
It's all up to him now.
Man . I wish he would still think of me the way he used to. :(

sometimes i get so wierd, i even freak myself out.

I noticed that every single time there is an 11:11 , I wish for the same thing. I always wish that the person will come back to me, and things will be okay .. but for some reason it never happens.

I wonder if there is such thing as a wish coming true. Usually, people say you can always pursue your dreams, and if you want something bad enough, to go out into the world and get it ..
What if, you can't ?
What if .. it is totally , physically impossible for me to go out there, and get what I want ?
I mean, I could always try harder, but that would probably make me seem like a whore. Right ?
Yes.
I guess, there are limits when it comes to dreaming. School, and clothes, and working, and individual things like that .. those are easy things to come by. But when it comes to two people sitting in the same situation .. no.

Right now, I would just say I am really confused. I am in a state of not caring at all, and in a state of; crap .. I don't know. When you love someone, the feelings don't go away. Sure, maybe you will intimately fall out of love with them, but the feelings, and caring that you always felt for them, will always be there. Whether you want them there or not. I know there will always be a place in my heart for Dave, and I don't think I am okay with that, but then again, I don't really have a choice. It's just the way it goes.

All good things come to an end, and as I write this .. not knowing what the ending will come to, or even what my point is .. it is important for me to write it down so that I remember. It's the first time I've ever felt this lonely - I wish someone could cure the pain. Everyone experiences it, I guess it's all just part of life, right ?

I remember thinking a month ago, that I would never be able to get over this. I was so lost without him, I didn't know if I would be able to live. But I did, and I am living now. I wish that I would be able to love life like I did before .. but maybe I should just save those feelings for a future day. I hope to find that person. 
That would be my ultimate dream.

Life, in general.

Life is hard. And a lot of it is unfair .. so how come so many people think it's easy? How can so many people get through their day, without one single problem, or inconvientient side effect on their backs?

I don't know. I don't have answers. All I know is that I have questions, and I hope that someday, someone will come around to answer them.

Life, was easy. It was easy before it got complicated, and when it got complicated, it became less easy. I think that my life, through the last six months has been absolutely incredible. I fell .. in love ? Well, I don't know if I fell in love, but I loved a boy - and I still do. But I'll get to that later.

I was just living. It's what I knew how to do .. but when things changed .. it got so much harder.
I remember just asking myself, why me? How come I have to have this, happen to me.
How much tragedy does one get in their life?
When does that limit, come to an end?
It doesn't. Does it.

I guess, before I start to jumble my words, and make everything seem even more confusing .. I should start at the beginning.

On January 6th 2010 .. Dave* asked me to be his girlfriend. I accepted, knowing that our relationship would, of course be AMAZING .. and that we would have a wonderful time. Little did I know, that relationship could come abruptly to a halt, and I would end up feeling alone, rejected, ugly, disgusting, and sad.
I held no anger, I had an issue with holding grudges. It just .. never worked out for me. I am too open to new relationships, too caring of an individual to worry about hating, and dislike.
I became overwhelmed with sadness when he dumped me .. I felt like I could vomit my stomach .. have a bowel movement the size of a freight train .. and somehow, I felt as though every single thing I did, reminded me of him. That was the hardest part..
I remember just wanting to sit and do nothing. Music didn't help. I always dedicate songs to people, and when I think of the lyrics, I think of the way that they fit together in my life.
That's the connection between me and music.
Dave and I were totally different people. I think both of us had a lot of things in common, and our personalities had some of the same attributes .. and I think we both generally needed each other. But we did it for all the wrong reasons.
He was always supposed to be a friend to me, a brother almost.. and I know it seems pretty well impossible to say, it's altogether relatively true.
I know now that it was never meant to be .. he wasn't the one, I would have known. I believe in connections, maybe not love at first sight, but I know what chemistry is, and I think that has a lot to do with connections to people. It's like a sense, a network almost .. and that wasn't the case with Dave. At least, I don't think so.
I guess, in all .. I just feel relatively betrayed. Shocked .. disappointed, upset.
But then again, life goes on.
And for that, I will forever respect the fact that love is just something to learn from.
You can never be certain, never be positive, never be sure. But you can damn well go out there in the world and live a little .. and I think that's an appropriate thing for me to do.

:)

the days that never change .

The feeling of loss, and the downhill ride from a rush of complete joy .. is the worst feeling imaginable. My life has been pretty crazy, and so far, it's only getting crazier. I don't know what to feel anymore. My world is as though it's slowly coming further and further down into the hole .. and it's drowning me. The first six months of 2010 were absolutely incredible. I had the time of my life, and for specific reasons I will never forget .. however now .. I don't know what's left to do.
My parents disagree on almost everything, aside from my sister and I. We are the only people that can keep everything together; they do what they do for us , and I will always be thankful for that. I know they try and hide what's of their deepest concerns, but I'm not seven anymore. I can see what's clearly happening in front of me. Money is an issue. University is an issue. And yet, when we try and elaborate on the situation .. I always end up being the one to eat it. I hear everything .. I get the dirty details, I am the go-to child.
I try my best to protect my sister from it, I don't want her to be robbed of the memories she will have in Grade Nine.. those are the best experiences. She needs to live right now .. and she can't with the worries of our family problems. Five years ago, everything was okay .. we were all .. okay. But because of financial problems , living is only getting harder. I want to help, but I don't know how.

Everything I once had, is now gone. My friends are always there for me, to hear me when I need them, and I seriously love them for that .
But this , all of this new stuff I have recently learned, is bigger than me. Bigger than any of us. I don't know if I will be able to handle it. I know I need to stay strong for my family, and for myself .. but sometime soon, it's going to blow up in our faces, and I will be swallowed in it.
These are the days that never change ..