The element of surprise was always something I never understood. There are times in my life where I wait, and wait, and wait, for something to happen, and when it does .. it's as though all along I believed it wasn't going to happen - and it shocks me. My heart immediately starts pounding with anxiety, and excitment for what could come of the situation .. my head wanders through novels worth of thoughts as to the souce, reason why, and possibilities of outcomes .. yet in the end, I am always disappointed.
Perhaps, that's the way life is percieved. By me, specifically.
Maybe I just think too hard, or overanalyze so much, that I sound retarded trying to figure out what my head is actually thinking.
The thing is .. when I am trying to talk .. I try to sound a certain way, to seem a certain way, and I try to be myself at the same time .. and it just mixes things up. Therefore, I am stuck wondering who I really am, when I know who I am all along. It's me, confusing myself.
My brain really only thinks when it comes to people. It's like balancing chemical equations in my head, and if the wrong amount of electrons are put into it, I freak out.
Maybe it's an insecurity ? Maybe .. I am scared to be fully who I am, because I will seem like a wierdo ?
I don't really know. And I don't really know what this message is all about. I just know that I needed to write something so I could lay out whats on my mind.
He inboxed me today. And yesterday. And the day before. Talking about track, and how there are certain people on it to which we think should be gone, etc. I don't think I want to talk to him about my life, or his for that matter. If I did, I feel like I would give him the message that I'm not over him. But the truth is .. I don't need him. I want him. That's the part that I need to get over. I'm not looking for a relationship .. I'm just looking to meet new people, that way I can keep all my options open.
If he decides he wants to talk to me about my life .. I will let him bring up the topic. Otherwise, I'm not talking to him about it. I need to show him that I don't need him. I need him to find out thhat I can be strong on my own, and I am an independent woman.
I want him to be jealous. I want to meet a boy, and show him that I can love someone else like he did for me. I want him to feel the hurt that I have felt .. perhaps he really already has, but the thing is .. he needs to face his life soon enough. He can't keep running away .. and soon enough, that massive door is going to close right in front of his face, he'll sink to the bottom of the hole, and he won't be able to get out. And I won't be able to help him..
He needs to get it in his head now.
And I really do want to help him .. but he won't listen to me. There are some times .. he just stops talking to me for a solid week. And I think maybe that was because he wanted me to get over him .. and stop flirting. So I have taken that into account. And I am not going to lie .. I feel cold. I don't know if I will ever be able to let him in like I did before.
I'm not scared to .. I'm not scared of relationships .. I can face anything I want to. Fighting, drama, all that .. I am scared of. I am too emotional to function properly when I am angry or frustrated, or just in a bad mood all together.
It's all up to him now.
Man . I wish he would still think of me the way he used to. :(
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